From: The Houston Chronicle
Idea person: Sara Ness, facilitator.
Big idea: People can create communities through honest communication.
How it started: Ness, 23, got interested in working with people to improve their relationships when she was a student at University of Texas at Austin. She lived in a residential housing cooperative for three years, and over that time, she saw the same issues crop up again and again.
“One person would get angry at another,” she remembers. “They would share their anger with everyone but the person involved, or share with that person in such a way that the conflict only got worse. Eventually, the interpersonal conflicts would get so bad that the house stopped functioning; there would be a big blow-up; and half the members would leave.”
At the same time, the co-ops were her first experience, after leaving home, of feeling that she belonged somewhere. “There has to be a way to make this work,” she thought.
When a boyfriend introduced her to a practice called Authentic Relating, she finally “found a language to discuss the emotions and dynamics that were tearing my communities apart.”
Authentic Relating, she says, is a hands-on toolkit of deep and playful relational games that help people create honest, open relationships. Ness believes that learning these techniques is one way for people to become happier.
How it grew: Ness started running Authentic Relating events out of her co-op. The sessions grew so popular that she had to expand to a community center, then rent a regular space. Now she teaches these practices to groups of every kind to help individuals and groups develop better communication, culture, and relationships. Ness is a self-taught facilitator in Authentic Relating, but she has received training in a related discipline called Circling.
“We assume that intimacy can only happen with certain people — our children, our spouse — or only in certain situations: a birth, a death, a marriage,” Ness says. “But, the fact is, honest and intimate connection is possible anywhere. The skills to create it can be learned.”
Her own community in Austin grew out of relationships formed through the games that she teaches. She’s now in a relationship with someone she met through the games. A group that coalesced through the games rents a space where they host events every night. Her friends are people she met during the games. And she is confident that she has a community that will support her as her life changes.
“Community is what everyone longs for, isn’t it?” Ness reflects.
Authentic Relating grew out of a mid-’90s movement called “Authentic World.” Decker Cunov used the practice as a sergeant in the army, Ness says. His platoon was not getting along, and he began encouraging conversations that helped his troops relate to each other. After his platoon started interacting better with each other, they began breaking performance records.
A game for authentic communication: One of Ness’ favorite games is “The Noticing Game.” We played a sample game over the phone.
Ness opened by saying, “Being here, I notice that I’m a little nervous.”
Then she told me to say “hearing that,” then state how I feel.
I said, “Hearing that, I’m surprised how interested I am.”
Ness: “Hearing that, I felt relief.”
White: “Hearing that, I sat in your chair and I thought about all the times I have not been confident about presenting myself.”
Ness: “Hearing that, I felt understood.”
Next steps: Ness plans to continue training facilitators in her practices, to work with different groups in developing emotional and social intelligence, and then to create a program that anyone, anywhere, can use to create a joyful and sustainable community culture.
“When people start learning that communities are possible,” she says, “I’ve seen them get happier, healthier, kinder, and more successful. And that lights me up inside.”
You can reach Ness through her website www.authrev.com or email [email protected].
Bookmark Gray Matters. There has to be a way to make this work.